My heartbeat seems to be faster than usual.
The inside of my mouth also seemed drier than usual.
As a wiseman, I shouldn't have such physical abnormalities, but I found myself strangely agitated.
I look into the butler-san's eyes.
He is looking at me with a very serious but bloodless face.
He didn't want to believe that I was someone else, but he wanted to know the truth, and I felt I could see through his emotions.
I wondered where he had sensed that from.
Augusto-san's physical specs are unnecessarily high, so his performance should be perfect.
If that's the case, what's the cause?
I stared at the butler-san.
“Master is definitely there, what in the world is"
The butler-san's words, as if muttering dumbfounded, gave me an idea of what was going on.
This must be a hunch that comes from the bond of a long-time relationship.
─────── I knew that someday, I would surely be noticed.
In fact, I think it was even a little late.
I wondered what I would do if he asked me, but when he did, I was somewhat calm, despite my strange agitation.
"............... I told you, I am not the Augusto Werstein you know."
“-What on earth does that mean?"
The butler-san asks me back in a muttered voice volume as I become aware of my strangely dry throat and mouth.
I could see the sadness in his eyes as he stared at me, as if he was clinging to me.
My throat twitches with an apology and also with the sadness that our relationship will probably change.
But no matter how painful it is, I have to tell him the truth.
I breathe in and out.
Then I stared back at the butler.
"......... Augusto Werstein is dead.
That's why I'm here. Do you know what this means?"
"...... I'm sorry, I don't know what that means."
I try not to be too hasty, step by step, I sort out the information in my head, and then I say it out loud to the butler-san, who raises his eyebrows apologetically.
"This body is without a doubt Augusto Werstein's. But I am not Auguste Werstein."
The moment I mentioned the inescapable fact, the butler-san shook his face from side to side, as if to deny the fact, in a crying tone of voice.
"No, no! What do you mean, the Master is here now!"
"...... I am a different person. The Augusto Werstein you know is dead."
“No way…!!"
The sadness in his voice made my heart ache, but there was nothing I could do about it, so I threw cruel words at him.
"...... This is a fact."
When I assured him of this, the response was a silence that was almost painful to bear.
I stare at the butler-san who has turned his head.
That was all I could do.
When I looked up, the butler-san had a somewhat confused expression on his face.
He opened and closed his mouth to say something, and finally said it for the first time.
"...... If you are not the Master, then where the hell did the Master go?"
The question was very much bitter, as if there was something very sour in my mouth.
While feeling that even I will start to hurt, I desperately, but still unable to show it outwardly, answered.
“… Probably where his deceased wife is."
At that moment, the butler-san's face twisted into a crying mess.
My heart ached with guilt, and I felt sad and painful.
But this is something that is necessary, something that needs to be done properly.
"So, what are you going to do? Kill me?"
The question came from the fact that I knew even if that happened it couldn’t be helped.
I don't want to die, and I still totally want to live.
But that's probably how bad they'll think of me.
But the butler-san's reply was a somewhat calm voice, different from the distraught look he had just given me.
"No, even if you are not the master, your body belongs to master.
I can't do that, and I don't have the option of remaining ignorant of Master."
It was a crisp answer that seemed to convey his loyalty to Augusto-san.
"If I'm being honest, I still don't believe in anything. I can only think of you as my old master, with your presence, your magic, your words and actions, and everything else."
"...... He died of poisoning that time."
"Yes, so he was reborn as a wise man."
"He's no longer with us."
"…… My apologies. I can’t admit that."
In contrast to my stomach churning with guilt, the words spoken with a piercing seriousness were definitive and a sentiment I could understand.
"............ I see."
That's all I can say, quietly.
I don't want to admit it, and I can't admit it.
It was a feeling that I had carried with me ever since I came to this world.
That's why I can understand it, and that's why I can't seem to mention it any more, so I let out a breath.
Then, the butler-san opened his mouth as if to say something.
"Even if you are a different person, even if Master is no longer here, to me, you are my Master."
With a serious look in his eyes, he looked at me and said these words, which pierced my heart.
I can't say anything.
It was painful.
This is not something that I can just say and instantly change, it's not that simple.
"......... When you were born again, you said that you lacked memory."
"...... Yes, I was confused."
In response to a sudden, concerned butler's question, I replied with outwardly calm words, and the butler-san in question gave me a slight smile.
"I'm sure that’s right. …… How's your memory now?"
"No problem, I remember everything clearly."
"......... Well, that's good to know. ...... The Master is still there, isn't he?"
The butler-san's expression of sincere relief confused me.
"......... What?"
"The fact that you have a memory proves that you are the Master."
"What are you talking about…?"
I didn't understand what the butler was saying.
Because if our souls are different, then Augusto-san and I must be different people.
Augusto-san is Augusto-san, not me.
I am Youko Takada, 23 years old, a woman, a novice actress, who was supposed to be in an upcoming drama.
Nothing more, nothing less.
The butler-san's eyes were serious, and he didn't look like he was lying or trying to trick me, which added to my confusion.
"...... Inhabiting this body is the soul of another person you do not know."
"Yes, but you have memories. Memory is the proof of life, the heart."
I felt an unpleasant creaking in my heart.
"Rest assured, you are indeed a different person, but at the same time, you are the Master I know."
I wondered if I had misunderstood something.
At the same time that I came to this conclusion, my thoughts began to move in a dizzying fashion.
The things that make us human are the soul, body, memory, and spirit.
This is something that has been thought of in modern Japan, and it was the reason why I could be sure that I was a different person.
What if this idea itself is not common?
As my thoughts raced, I searched for common knowledge in this world.
─────── The soul is the power and vessel for manipulating magic power.
Then what about the personality that is supposed to be engraved in the soul?
No matter how much I dig through my memories, all I find is that a soul is a soul, and nothing more.
Fundamentally, we think differently.
When I came to this hypothesis, I forgot to breathe.
Because that means...
For those who live in this world, I, who has Augusto-san's memories, am not much different from Augusto Werstein himself.
Even if the spirit and soul are different, the body and memories are still intact.
Even if half of the things that make us human are completely different from each other, if we have memories and a body, we are already considered to be the same person.
When I realized this, I became confused.
The world is different, so it is natural that common sense is different.
However, I was shocked to realize that what I had believed in might be fiction.
What the hell is a soul?
Does the common sense in this world apply to me now?
However, if that is the case, where on earth did this memory come from?
The only thing that constitutes me is the memory of living in modern Japan for 23 years.
I am I?
The existence of me is nothing but a foreign object in this world.
Can I, a soul alone, truly be said to be alive?
There is no way to prove that I am me.
Nowhere, not anywhere.
When I got to that point, I realized something that I shouldn't have realized.
─────── Wait, why didn't I stop acting?
I'm not Augusto-san.
The most effective way to get the butler-san to believe this is to stop acting.
So, why didn't it even occur to me to change my tone?
I couldn't figure it out, and then I was shocked by what I noticed.
What is this?
Why am I talking so stiffly, even in my mind?
Why do I feel that Augusto-san's role is like the real me?
It's strange.
What is this?
Why, why, what's happening?
I don't understand, I can't breathe.
I don't know how to breathe.
Am I, am I really me?
What the hell is me?
Who am I?
I got so scared that I stopped thinking.
I felt sick, probably from the stress.
“Master? How may I help you?"
I don't know what kind of expression the butler-san has on his face or what kind of mood he's talking in.
I can trust this man.
But I don't know this person.
But I don't know him, so why do I believe him?
My memory, my perception, my and Augusto-san's are mixed up.
It's scary.
Am I Augusto-san, as the butler-san says?
I should be different, but why?
“Master, you look... I'll get you something hot to drink."
"............ Yes, please."
The butler-san's words snapped me back to reality.
My heart was beating unpleasantly all the time, and the fear I had just felt was still there.
But I was able to think calmly for a moment.
I feel awful.
This is not my style.
It's not like me at all.
But then, what am I?
And then, suddenly, Augusto-san's knowledge gave me the answer.
─────── I am me.
I remembered how to breathe.
Breathe in, breathe out.
I felt like my thoughts, which had been hovering over me like a blur, had cleared up a little.
Calm down, me.
I'll be fine.
What's the use of being in a hurry here, driven by an incomprehensible fear?
Grieving and screaming won't change anything.
My body is still Augusto-san, and my soul, Youko Takada, is still me.
When I became calm and analyzed the situation objectively, I realized that I had been too upset and had been thinking negatively.
Then I checked my memory and current situation.
When I thought of the people I cared about, I saw my father, mother, and Julia-san in a row, and I realized again that they were indeed mixed up.
But I haven't forgotten any of them.
I felt as if the existence of my father, mother and Julia-san would disappear, and that's why I was afraid.
If things continue as they are, I will certainly change, and I will exist as a completely different person.
But if I am who I say I am, then I will never disappear.
I'm in an uncharacteristic hurry, I'm in trouble, I'm negative, I'm so stupid.
No, well, I guess I can't help it.
It was a shock, yes.
But if I start talking like that, I'll never get anywhere, right?
It's one of my strengths that I can adapt quickly.
My body is Augusto-sam, but my soul is Youko Takada.
That's fine for now.
Because unless you're God, you can't know the truth.
It can't be helped if your memories, habits, tone of voice, and other things get mixed up.
The brain has data called memories, so it's inevitable that it will be dragged down.
I guess it's a good thing that I'm able to think about difficult things now.
I'm aware that I'm putting it off and cheating.
But if I don't, I won't be able to be me.
You're going to let your ego collapse, and then you're going to destroy everything that Augusto-san has built up?
No, I can't do that.
I can't do that.
I've made up my mind.
I'm going to live my life in a way that makes sense to me.
I breathed in and out.
Letting out all the coils and anxieties in my heart.
When I put pressure on my fists, I could hear the distinctive sound of my fingers and palms rubbing against each other.
Then, I straightened my back, which had been leaning slightly for some time.
It's strange that I feel as if I can stretch my mind just by doing that.
This is good for now.
I closed my eyes, telling myself that.
Thanks for the chapter!
Wow this chapter made me dizzy.
Total existential crisis moment!
And pretty much the premise of Dark City... come to think of it, that basically was an isekai story!