//Melki: This week I had a delay- so it will be a triple update, happy? ( ˙▿˙ ) Now... Are you ready to cry? Let's go!!!!
I had expected this day to come.
But I didn't expect it to be so suddenly.
I understand that this is his way of being kind.
I understand, but I didn't want to be convinced.
Just as he had announced yesterday, he had taken away my documents and forbidden me to go to the study, let alone the office.
It was now about nine o'clock in the morning.
I had just finished a simple but delicious breakfast of croissant, potage and salad, and returned to my room, which had a luxurious but relaxed atmosphere.
Augusto-san's mother's doctor would be arriving at three o'clock this afternoon.
Normally, I would be busy with paperwork, so I have a lot of time on my hands.
I sat in a chair at the small table set in the master bedroom, staring at the ceiling.
There's nothing to do, so there’s no helping it.
No, I can go here and there if I want to.
Augusto-san's specs are very impressive.
In fact, just now, I tried to force my way through, but the butler-san begged me with a tearful face to please take a break.
If something like that is done, I can’t really say no, so.
...... Well, if you think about it, if the boss is working so hard, the subordinates can't take much time off either.
I've never worked in society before, but I've had part-time jobs, so I know what to expect.
But let me say something.
It's none of your business.¹
I could only feel resentment at the fact that I was alone in Augusto-san's room.
I had been working so hard so that I wouldn't have to think about anything, but now it's pointless.
...... The truth is, I don't want to do that kind of work either.
I've never been good at clerical work.
I've always been good at part-time jobs, such as being a waitress in a restaurant, or jobs that require physical exertion.
However, with Augusto-san's specs, I can do clerical work that I'm not good at.
He can calculate and write down the numbers as if he were breathing.
As a bonus, he doesn't feel tired at all, probably because he has become a wiseman.
Even Augusto-san's acting up to now was more natural and comfortable than the original me who was trying hard to become an actress before my death.
I was confident in my acting ability, and that's why I knew how to breathe and move my body when it came to acting.
The original me was still inexperienced, so there were some things I couldn't do well, but this body was different.
I had read in the manual that a wise man's every ability increases at least fivefold, so that was probably the reason.
That's why I was able to work without any pain.
I was not bored with the reality of being able to do something I had never been able to do before, in fact, I was enjoying my life.
That's why I was able to escape from reality in that way.
So that I could stay in a fluffy feeling, like in a dream.
But in this situation, I can't help but think.
Things I don't need to think about, things I shouldn't think about.
Like, why am I here?
Like, why did I have to die?
Even though I'm not supposed to think about those things.
When I thought about it, I...
I felt as if the floor beneath my feet would collapse and disappear.
………… Ah, it's no good.
Once the thought crossed my mind, it just wouldn't stop.
I was feeling uncomfortable with all the unknown scenery, people, and everything that I knew, but didn't remember at all, so I forced myself not to think about it at all.
But now that I've had extra time to think about it calmly, I guess I've finally reached my limit.
As I felt yesterday, I found myself calmly thinking, so this is what happened after all, but more importantly, the fact that I was trying not to think about it became an inexplicable sense of anxiety that overwhelmed me.
All sorts of thoughts ran through my head.
What the hell is this place?
Why am I here?
Why did I die?
Why did I have to die?
Why me?
It didn't have to be me, did it?
Why?
Why, why, why, why? I don't want to, I don't want to, I want to go home.
I want to go home. Dad, Mom, why aren't you here?
I want to go home, I want to go home! I want to go home!!
Lamentations, nostalgia, resentment, each one comes as it pleases, stirring up the inside of my heart.
Guilt came to me most slowly.
Guilt that grabbed my heart and I couldn't understand.
I felt so sorry, so sad, so painful, so bitter, yet no tears came out.
That makes my heart even more disturbed.
I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
I'm sorry I'm dead, I'm sorry I'm gone.
But I wanted to live, too.
I didn't want to die.
I wanted to live.
It was just the beginning.
I was finally going to be able to take care of my parents, become famous, make money, and make them comfortable.
I have nothing but regret.
I should've gone home more.
I should have told you that I love you more, even if it was embarrassing.
I wanted to see you more and more.
I don't know why I didn't do anything.
Why did I keep putting it off?
Painful, terrible, bitter, disgusting, sad, sorry, lonely, why.
I'm just feeling a lot of emotions in my heart.
At least, I wanted to hear your voice.
The back of my throat tensed up, as if something was stuck in it, and I can't help but cover my face with my knotted hands, which are not my own.
I wonder what they're doing now.
... I'm sure dad is crying like I've never seen him cry before.
Because I was a daddy's girl.
He said some horrible things to me when I was rebellious, but I still loved him.
He liked to play games and was an indoor person, but he took time out of his days off to play with me at the park.
When I was taking a nap on my father's slightly bulky stomach, I complained about the noisy sound of his stomach, and he laughed like he was in trouble.
I'm sure my mother was crying out loud with a crumpled face.
She had always been a person who expressed her emotions very clearly.
She also took good care of me.
When my picture appeared in a magazine as a model, she was as happy as if it were herself
She went around the neighborhood bragging, this is my daughter! I told her not to do that because it was embarrassing, but the truth was that I was very happy.
She told me that it was better for a girl to be able to cook, and she taught me how to peel daikon radish², but my mother was worse at it than I was.
After crying so much to the point it's painful to watch, both of them were probably really dumbfounded.
I can only imagine what they must look like.
Although all I can do is imagine this kind of thing, and I don't know if it's true or not, I'm sure it’s turned out to be something similar.
Because we are family.
We were family.
They were both very important, very important family.
I've seen it said in dramas that you don't realize the worth of things until it's gone, but I never thought it would happen to me.
I'm so sad and I can't help but feel pain.
God is really terrible.
I couldn't believe at all, not even a little, that the reason I was here now was because of God's kindness.
My head is a mess, and my emotions are bouncing around in a negative direction: grief, sadness, and helpless regret.
I've already become a wise man, so I shouldn't feel too much mental pain, but the fact that I'm still in this much pain means that I must be in a lot of pain, so much so that I want to die.
No matter how much I tried not to worry about it, I knew that I would reach my limit someday.
So maybe it's a good thing that I can think about these things now, when no one is around.
But it's so painful.
It's painful, it's sad, it's hard.
...... Is it true that I'm dead?
It can’t be that, this is really all a dream and I'm still alive?
I seemed to be trapped to the point where such a naive thought came to mind.
I know.
I know that this world is real and that I died in that world.
The truth is that I do understand.
In that unreasonable pain, I could only accept being told that I was dead.
I just didn't want to admit it.
Because it couldn't be helped.
Who would want to die at such a young age?
In a situation like that, when you don't want to let go of anything.
There were still things I wanted to do, things I left undone.
There was so much.
There was no way I could die.
And yet, I died.
It was so painful and sad that I thought it would have been easier if I just forgot everything.
But I didn't want to forget because it was an important memory.
My own selfishness made me want to puke.
So many emotions stirred up in my heart, and I wanted to flail around in pain.
The usual two smiles passed through my head: my father laughing annoyingly and my mother laughing heartily. The usual smiles of my father and mother passed through my mind.
I felt a pang at the back of my nostrils.
...... Dad, you know, in this world, there is magic, and you can use it.
I wasn't interested in it, but my dad loves games.
I think he'd like it.
Mom, you know, I love the pork miso soup that you make.
I especially liked the one with sweet potatoes.
I don't know if they have miso here, and even if they do, I haven't learned how to make it yet, so I probably wouldn't be able to make something that tastes the same.
I want to see them.
I want to see dad and have him pat me on the head and tell me that I did a good job.
I want my mom to tell me that I'm an adult and not to be spoiled. And then, I want them to laugh at me like they always do, saying that I'm a helpless child.
I'm lonely, I'm sad, I'm in pain, I miss you.
I wish everything was a dream.
Even though I was lamenting like that, I was still calm somehow.
This is probably because I'm Augusto-san and I've become a wise man.
I'm Augusto-san now, but properly, so that's probably why I'm in such a mess.
Augusto-san's memories will be mixed with my memories someday, and they will be unified, everything will be integrated, and will become a part of me fully.
I don't know when that day will be, but I know in my gut that it will come.
That's why lamenting like this was something I could only do now.
Suddenly, I thought.
I was thinking about the existence in my memory that was not me.
Hey, Augusto-san.
What am I supposed to do?
I don't want to take your place or anything, I haven’t thought about that kind of thing, not even a little.
And yet, I really don't know how it came to this.
If you want, I can return this body to you right away.
I'll give it back to you, and I want you to live as if nothing happened.
I wish I could just disappear, but why am I still alive inside you?
I wanted to live.
But I wanted to live as me.
Why was it me?
Why was it you, Augusto-san?
I was in pain, and all I could feel was frustration at myself for still wanting to live.
However, the Augusto-san in my memory only wished for his death.
... I'm sure it was hard for you to live.
It must have been very hard for you to give up everything and go to the person you love.
If that's the case, even if I said I'd return it to you, you'd probably say you don't want it.
I don't like it when people say that.
Hey Augusto-san, I wonder what you would do.
Even though it was so painful, bitter, and sad, no tears came out.
Maybe it's because I'm a wiseman, but even if I wanted to cry, I just couldn't do it.
I'm good at acting like I'm crying, so I could cry if I wanted to, and even the back of my nose was tingling, but I still couldn't cry, as if my heart was refusing to let me.
How painful it was.
Suddenly, I felt a breeze blowing.
I turned my attention to reality, thinking, that's strange, was the window open?
Then, an unexpected sight came into my eyes.
A woman with light green eyes and large tears spilling from her eyes.
Her long straight golden hair and pretty pale blue dress blended into the air as she stood beside me.
I couldn't hear her voice, but her lips were saying, 'I'm sorry', over and over again.
'You haven't done anything wrong at all,' she muttered, letting her large tears melt into the air.
The thin, transparent girl was Julia-san, Augusto-san's beloved, no matter how you looked at her.
I was taken aback by the unexpected reality, but I opened my mouth fearfully.
"Why are you here?"
I guess my question slipped through, but she only let out a few large tears.
'I'm sorry, I'm sorry.'
Repeating a soundless apologies that no ears could hear, she swoops and glides away, not seeming to notice my words.
Covering her face with her hands, she slipped through the door and went out, and I couldn't tell if it was out of reflex or for some other reason, but I followed her.
I followed the hem of her transparent pale blue dress around the corner, down the stairs, and chased after her with all my might.
Suddenly, I felt as if the area was turning white.
Then I realized.
The breath I let out was white.
Even though I was inside the house, the temperature seemed to be quite low.
While wondering, I walked deeper and deeper into the house.
Then, she was sucked into the door of a room.
The floor was so frozen that it made a crunching sound.
Looking around, it was something that could be considered a fantastical place, a world closed off by ice.
There were large icicles hanging down, as if existing in the North or South Poles, and under the ice, I could see the wallpaper, decorations, and corridors of the house.
In the midst of all this, only the door through which Julia-san had entered remained in its original state.
Fearfully, I put my hand on the doorknob.
Perhaps because I am a wiseman, I don't feel cold nor chilly, but the door, covered with white frost, is probably frozen to the core.
It might break with a little effort.
Still, I slowly turned the knob, and it made a small, crackling sound, with a clang.
If I pulled it, the door would probably open.
However, I felt a sense of uneasiness and anxiety in my heart.
But even so, I thought to myself, this must be necessary, and opened the door.
And then I saw the scene.
Unable to cry, the tears that were supposed to have stopped, flowed all at once, as if I were regaining something.
The furnishings were lovely, but elegant.
The carpet was a rose pattern with a calm atmosphere, and the wallpaper was also a lovely rose.
Everything in the room, which would have been feminine, was frozen in place.
There was a body lying on a bed by the window.
I felt something, I don't know what, rising from the back of my throat.
Then, suddenly, it spills out.
“Whoa, hahhhhhhhhhh…!"
What came out of my throat was a sigh.
Everything, even the air and atmosphere, was frozen as it was then.
It was the first time I had seen the body of a person, but for some reason I didn't feel fear, I just felt sad.
Her hair, which had been golden, was now pure white.
Her once beautiful and smooth skin had turned brown.
Her arms and legs were so thin that it was easy to say they were just skin and bones.
The only thing that showed that this was a person, a woman, was her face and the clothes she was wearing.
Cheeks so skinny you'd think the skin was stuck to the bones.
The eyes are still there, but the orbits depressed.
Yet, it was still so raw that I felt as if I might open my eyelids unexpectedly.
The person sleeping peacefully in the bed was Augusto-san's beloved, Julia-san herself.
I couldn't stop crying.
I couldn't find my footing and fell to my knees near her sleeping bed.
"Augusto Werstein…!"
I was saddened by his love, not by the blasphemy of the dead or anything like that.
He probably couldn't even bury her in a grave at the time.
It would have been an admission of the fact that she was dead.
So, as if to stop time, he put everything on ice and sealed it away for 12 years, until now.
Ah, so that's why Augusto-san never came back to this house.
At the same time, I couldn't stop crying because I was so sad about this reality, and I didn't know why, but I felt as if I was allowed to cry here.
My regret, regret, nostalgia, and loneliness were linked to Augusto-san's emotions and Julia-san's feelings that she had to leave such a person behind, and I felt like I was losing my way.
In the frozen room, I just cried.
[1] : here's actually kind of calling him nosy here.
[2] : 大根(daikon) - Japanese white radish; here's what it looks like if you're curious:
↓(Source: Jibaku Shounen Hanako-kun /Toilet-bound Hanako-kun)
Thx for the chapter!
Just why........ Thanks for the chapter